Giving Grace Without Giving Yourself Away

Silence Isn’t Kindness, It's Self Abandonment

Enabling can often feel like kindness, especially when we’re trying to be understanding, loyal, or supportive.

More often than not, enabling is a learned response. One that serves to avoid tension, sidestep hard conversations, or preserve a sense of connection, even when that connection isn’t healthy. It’s easy to convince ourselves that we’re simply being empathetic or gracious. But when we consistently absorb the impact of someone else’s behavior without speaking up, adjusting how we show up, or setting limits, we gradually disconnect from ourselves. Over time, constantly giving others the benefit of the doubt without any boundaries or follow-through becomes less about care, and more about self-abandonment.

Self-abandonment that occurs as a result of enabling, is subtle. It happens when we prioritize someone else’s comfort at the cost of our own needs, values, or emotional safety. It shows up as letting things slide (again), biting our tongue to avoid conflict, or convincing ourselves, “It’s not that big of a deal.” But those small concessions accumulate. They wear us down, not just emotionally, but energetically. It’s one thing to give grace, to recognize someone’s humanity, their struggle, or their imperfections. That kind of compassion matters. But grace without boundaries isn’t grace. It’s avoidance in disguise. We sometimes mistake empathy for passivity, assuming that being kind means staying silent, not naming harm, or enduring discomfort indefinitely.

When we never address what isn’t working, we end up doing all the emotional labor in the relationship. And in the process, we relinquish the very agency we need to care for ourselves. We give up our responsibility, to have the hard conversation, to set the boundary, to remove ourselves from what’s harmful. Instead of protecting our peace, we protect their comfort. Instead of choosing action, we wait, hoping they’ll change so things can get better. But that kind of hope, without action or accountability, is a recipe for self-abandonment.

True compassion includes accountability. We can be soft-hearted without being self-sacrificing. Giving grace does not mean erasing our limits. It means offering empathy within our emotional capacity. When grace is unlimited, one-sided, or used to excuse harmful behavior, it loses its integrity.

If we keep extending grace with no conversation and no consequence, we’re not just enabling the behavior, we’re reinforcing a dynamic that leaves us drained and disconnected. That’s not love. That’s not kindness. That’s fear-based survival disguised as compassion and grace. The real work is learning to give grace without giving yourself away. Grace that supports accountability. Grace that lives alongside truth. Grace that respects your boundaries, your voice, and your emotional capacity.

How to Offer Grace to Others (Practically & Compassionately):

• Pause before reacting. Grace begins in the pause. The space between someone’s misstep and your response. Let intention guide your response, not just emotion.

• Be curious, seek context. Ask, “What may have led them here?” Understanding context helps you hold empathy, but it doesn’t mean dismissing the impact.

• Name the impact, not just the intention. Grace allows you to say, “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but it did. And I need us to talk about that.”

• Approach people as capable of accountability. Grace believes people can do better and doesn’t make you responsible for their behavior. You can believe in someone’s growth without tolerating what hurts.

• Stay connected to your boundaries. Giving grace isn’t about staying silent. It’s about speaking up with compassion. It’s knowing when to be present, and when to step back.

You can be understanding and still draw a line. You can care deeply and still choose yourself. The goal isn’t to close your heart. It’s to stop abandoning yourself in the name of keeping the peace.

Healing in Action

• Am I excusing someone’s behavior because I don't want to face the discomfort of confrontation?

• Where in my life do I need to take more personal responsibility instead of waiting for someone else to change?

• What would it look like to reclaim my agency without abandoning my values of kindness and empathy?

Read more about the Cost of Caring on Substack

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash