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Writer's pictureTiffanie Trudeau

Being strong doesn't mean being hard

Have you ever been referred to as "strong"? Did it feel like a compliment or a life sentence?



When we describe something as strong, we are often referring to its sturdiness, its ability to withstand weight or resistance to damage. Now let's consider for a moment how that definition changes when it is used to describe a person. Being a strong person can refer to one's ability to withstand pain, carry heavy burdens and not be broken by the weight of said burdens. The issue with referring to people or self identifying as "strong", is these individuals can unknowingly become hardened, difficult to penetrate and stoic. Identifying as strong, can also send the message that strong people do not need compassion, empathy, rest or support. Strong people are often conditioned to suppress their emotions, especially when emotions are perceived as weak. Ironically, suppressing emotions does not make us stronger, but can cause us to be less resilient and contribute to physical health challenges and relational distress.


When viewed in this light, being strong sounds less like a compliment and more like a life sentence. Imagine if we could redefine strength as having the courage to be vulnerable, the ability to experience, tolerate and validate our emotions and acknowledging the need for and accepting support. Maybe then being strong could be experienced as a strength.


Being strong is often associated with independence, self-sufficiency and being self-reliant. While autonomy is a core need and crucial for personal growth, hyper-independence can be a by-product of and expectation for being strong that could unintentionally lead to isolation. Those who identify as strong may resist acknowledging their needs for support, may avoid asking for help, and view themselves as a burden in the event they do seek help. This rejection of help reflects the self-limiting belief that needing help is a sign of weakness, as well as creates one-sided relationships.



The combination of being strong and hyper-independent can lend it self to limited support systems, lack of community and unfulfillment in relationships. The impact of excessive emphasis on self-reliance can be understood by exploring the difference between intent and impact. Wherein the intent of being strong is to protect self, avoid disappointment and maintain control, however the impact can be loneliness, disconnection and burnout. Overly self-reliant individuals may find it challenging to open up emotionally and express vulnerability. For a person who has been abuse, abandoned, betrayed and/or let down, vulnerability can feel dangerous. Ironically, relationship are built on intimacy, and intimacy thrives on mutual sharing and understanding. When one person is hesitant to be vulnerable, it can create a sense of emotional distance and disconnection. Overly self-reliant individuals may also struggle to communicate their needs, feelings, and expectations. This can result in misunderstandings, unmet needs, resentment and a lack of emotional connection.


Here are four ways being strong and overly self-reliant can keep you from having the relationships that you desire:


  1. Fear of Dependency:

    Those who pride themselves on self-reliance may fear dependency on others. While self-sufficiency is important, relationships inherently involve interdependence. The fear of relying on another person for support or assistance can limit the depth of connection and prevent the development of emotional bonds and secure attachments.


  2. Emotional Detachment:

    Overly self-reliant individuals may prioritize self-sufficiency over vulnerability to the extent that they become emotionally detached. This emotional distance can lead to a lack of empathy and struggles with the emotional give-and-take required for intimacy, making it difficult to connect on an emotional level with peers, partners and even their own children.


  3. Lack of Shared Experiences:

    Shared moments help strengthen the bond between individuals. Overly self-reliant individuals may resist including others in various activities or decisions, leading to a lack of shared experiences and feeling unknown and unseen by others.


  4. Difficulty Accepting Help:

    Supporting one another is a characteristic of reciprocal relationships, that includes offering and accepting help when needed. Being overly self-reliant may make it challenging for someone to accept help or support from their friends and partners, leading to a one-sided relationship dynamic, potential feelings of inadequacy in the other person and perceive imbalance in the contribution to the relationship.


Recognizing the paradox of strength is the first step toward cultivating community. True strength involves vulnerability, seeking support when needed, and acknowledging the importance of emotional well-being. By embracing a more balanced perspective, strong individuals can create a foundation for genuine connections and emotional resilience, that prioritizes both strength and well-being. It's time to redefine strength not as the absence of vulnerability, but as the courage to embrace it and, in turn, nurture a more resilient and authentic self.








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